“Go home Abby…for now”- said Terry

I remember walking out the building confused, filled with rage and discomfort. I thought of going home but I didn’t feel stable enough to put a straight face to Gary, what was I going to say?. I felt that I didn’t have a place to go, or someone to talk to. I took a taxi to the airport. I asked for the first flight. I didn’t care about the destination; I just felt the need of a different air. I didn’t know if I could go home to my mom. I didn’t know if she was involved in all this, how much does she actually know?

I didn’t want to think.

I arrived in Lisbon… I barely remember the flight, but I remember I was in between falling asleep and sweating. I’ve never felt this rage before. I’ve never felt an emotion could control in a way my situation; is the first time I feel out of control.

I walked down the streets of Lisbon, in between the joy of the people, the colorful buildings and the sun light. I have always enjoyed this city before; coffee shops have bookshelves everywhere and you always have Wi-Fi. I have an apartment in the center of the city, I can see the tourist enjoying the superficiality of life; buying souvenirs, taking pictures and posting everything they can online. I must say that I’ve always envy people like that, they live to live and somehow they aren’t aware of what’s happening in the world or behind curtains. It must be awesome to don’t care about other people, other regions, other continents; it must be a good feeling not having such burden of saving the world in a way.

I couldn’t help seeing happy families walking around, children feeling safe because their parents are walking next to them.  It reminded me of myself back to my childhood…

I was eight years old, recently expulsed to the street from a foster family. It was sunny and I didn’t know how to get back to the orphanage center, so I decided to simply walk. People were looking at me because they saw my watery eyes. I remember a car almost hit me and I didn’t care. After so many hours of walking nonstop, I started feeling hungry and thirsty. It was very warm and I started feeling very dizzy, and then again; I didn’t care. It’s like I wanted to die. I eventually passed out and woke up in my usual bed, surrounded by my usual friends. I didn’t speak the next weeks and I felt something die in me… I think it was the first time I understood that we can die in the inside even if the body still working. I barely ate those days and I didn’t feel the need to even look anyone’s eyes. I had my duties of cleaning around as the other kids, and taking classes as well as homework activities. I kept myself busy and I started doing more than anyone else there, I didn’t want to have time to think more than the common present, I wanted to be tired when going to bed so I passed out directly.

Same feeling, different age…

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